May 29, 2008
Norman Bales, Editor
CONTENTS
- JUST VISITING
- FEATURE ARTICLE:
WHAT WON'T BE IN MY OBITUARYJust Visiting
I am sitting at my computer wondering what in the world Norman expects me to write as an introduction to this article. There re some things that are better left unsaid. I'll let you, the readers decide.
Ann
* * * * * WHAT WON'T BE IN MY OBITUARY by Norman Bales
"You seldom listen to me, and when you do you don't hear, and when you do hear you hear wrong, and even when you hear right you change it so fast that it's never the same." - Marjorie Kellogg, American author and playwright.
Have you ever wondered what might be in your obituary? Few people write their own obituaries in advance, so it is left up to the people who knew you best to sum up your life in a few paragraphs. Most of the people who do this try to draw attention to your virtues. In the process they carefully leave certain things out - especially those things that make you look bad. I'm pretty sure that those who write my obituary won't say, "He was a good listener."
That's because I'm much more skilled at talking than I am listening. Nevertheless I see the need cultivate better listening habits. I thought it might be helpful if I made up a list of the reasons I fail to listen. I'm not defending them. I'm just pointing them out. I share them because marriage and all other human relationships work better when we rise above these obstacles and practice real listening. I've got an idea that a lot of husbands and wives can probably identify with some of the things on my list. Here's my list of reasons and excuses for not listening.
- After the first few words, I'm busy deciding my response.
- Interruptions.
- Sometimes it's difficult to follow the speaker's train of thought.
- My mind is on something else.
- I may not like what is said, so I choose to tune it out.
- Sometimes I'm not interested in what is being said.
- I'm in a hurry and I don't think I have time to properly consider the speaker's message.
- I'm prejudiced against the speaker's message.
- The message may be articulated in a way that I don't understand.
- I feel like the speaker is talking down to me.
- I am bored by the speaker's repetition.
- I may not consider the speaker qualified to address the subject.
- I don't like being criticized.
- I may consider the message unimportant.
- I think, "It really doesn't do any good. We've been down this road before and nothing changes.
As you can readily see, many of my reasons are really excuses. I don't listen because I'm not disciplined enough to rise above the obstacles. There's a lot at stake here. Failure to listen prevents closeness in a relationship, but eagerness to listen tears down barriers and builds closer bonds. All of us would do well to heed the counsel of James. "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19).
"We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. " ~Epictetus, Greek Stoic philosopher.
* * * * * OTHER QUOTES ON LISTENING "A person's real need, a most terrible need, is for someone to listen - not as a 'patient' but as a human soul." - Carl Rogers.
"The most important marriage skill is listening to your partner in a way that they can't possibly doubt that you love them." - Diane Sollee.
"Listening is such a simple act. It requires us to be present, and that takes practice, but we don't have to do anything else. We don't have to advise, or coach, or sound wise. We just have to be willing to sit there and listen." - Margaret J. Wheatley
"To listen is to continually give up all expectation and to give our attention, completely and freshly, to what is before us, not really knowing what we will hear or what that will mean. In the practice of our days, to listen is to lean in, softly, with a willingness to be changed by what we hear." - Mark Nepo
"Know how to listen, and you will profit even from those who talk badly." - Plutarch
"Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk." - Doug Larson.
* * * * * If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can " ASK THE COUNSELOR" Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is mikal@allaboutfamilies.org
Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org
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Norman Bales: Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org
Ann Bales: ann@allaboutfamilies.org
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"Jim Bales"jbales@prcoc.org
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allaboutfamilies.org/sh* * * * * - After the first few words, I'm busy deciding my response.