Choose Your Role Models Carefully

Introduction

Sometimes our experience in the Lord's service is spoiled by church conflict. Have you ever heard a conversation that went like this? Two brothers are engaged in a friendly conversation. We'll call them Mark and Luke.

Mark: "Have you heard about the trouble they're having over at Church X?"

Luke: "Yeah, I really hate to hear about that. Do you know what the fuss is all about?"

Mark: "Well, I think there's a clash between personalities."

Have you ever heard a conversation that went something like that? Most of us probably have. Usually we think personality conflicts shouldn't take place. If there's going to be disagreement, then it should be over something more substantial than two brothers who just don't seem to like each other.

In a perfect world, we wouldn't have church conflict, but this isn't a perfect world. If we had our preferences, most of us would rather be in a church where there were no serious personality clashes. However clashes of personalities frequently occur in the real world. Third John is largely about a personality clash in the church. We don't know which church, but we do know the names of three of the members. It's a letter written to a man who worshipped with a church that was dominated by a man whom psychologists would label a controller. It was written to a man of sterling character and reputation, whose lot in life was to live in a congregation ruled by a man whose motives were not pure. It was also written to recommend a third man who could be trusted and imitated.

Warren Wiersbe has written, "This little letter gives us a glimpse into the early assembly, its people and its problems. As you read this brief letter, you find yourself saying, 'Times have changed but not very much.'"

As we study the letter, we want to take a brief look at each of the three personalities John mentioned.

1. John's Disposition.

   Three times John addressed Gaius as his "dear friend." The last verse indicates that he thought of the members of the church as "friends." We want to make sure we don't miss the significance of that point. The subject matter of this letter is church conflict. John had to say some hard things. He laid down some warnings. He had some negative things to say about one of the parties involved in the personality clash. When you do that, there's a temptation to show your impatience, to let the situation get under your skin. If a situation makes your blood boil, it takes a special measure of grace to keep from becoming so crabby that nobody can stand you.

   That didn't happen to John. He bathed his letter in love from start to finish. Instead of simply reacting in kind to the rude behavior of Diotrephes, he chose to focus on his admiration for Gaius. That's such an important thing to remember when we find ourselves dealing with conflict. We must not give in to the temptation to let the ill-tempered behavior of others become an excuse for us to respond in kind.

2. Gaius' example.

   Notice that John's prayers for Gaius were two pronged. He said, "I pray that you might enjoy good health" (2). That's not just some kind of standard greeting like, "I hope you're feeling well today." John indicated a genuine concern for the physical well being of Gaius. As Christians we are concerned about the ultimate need that people have for salvation, so we might think that physical needs aren't important. We need to be reminded that Jesus was frequently moved with compassion by the physical plight of suffering people. Paul was so concerned about the health of Epaphroditus, that he wrote in Philippians 2:27 "Indeed he was ill, and almost died. But God had mercy on him, and not on him only but also on me, to spare me sorrow upon sorrow."

   He also prayed for Gaius' soul, that it might be "getting along well." One of the things John most admired about Gaius was the fact that he continued to walk in truth. There are two things that stand out about a walk in truth that characterized the life of Gaius.

   • His respect for John. John was an apostle, a designated spokesperson for God. He was a revealer of truth. Gaius would have been the kind of person who soaked up the teaching of John like a sponge. He walked in truth. He was faithful to the truth. He worked for truth.

   • He was genuine. Walking in truth basically means the same thing as living a lifestyle of truth. Have you ever had the experience of telling someone where you worship only to have them say, "Oh, that's were Mr. X attends"? And then you sort of wait for the other shoe to fall, because you know a few things about Mr. X that aren't really all that complimentary. Or maybe someone says, "Oh I know some of your members really well." Then you wonder which ones they know. If John mentioned the name of Gaius, he wasn't going to be embarrassed by revealing the fact that they were friends. That's walking in truth.

3. The Hospitality of Gaius.

   Dear friend, you are faithful in what you are doing for the brothers, even though they are strangers to you. They have told the church about your love. You will do well to send them on their way in a manner worthy of God. It was for the sake of the Name that they went out, receiving no help from the pagans. We ought therefore to show hospitality to such men so that we may work together for the truth. - verses 5-8

   According to William Barclay the Greeks had a strong dislike for public accommodations. They considered it a breech of ethics to take money for housing travelers. Those who operated inns were not considered very ethical. Their establishments were filthy. Plato compared innkeepers to pirates who hold their guests for ransom. So it was commonplace, even among the heathens, to open their homes to travelers. Christians not only accepted that responsibility, but they accepted it with a degree of cheerfulness that was not normally seen among the pagans. Peter urged the Christians to accept this task joyfully. He said in 1 Peter 4:9 "Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling." In 1 Timothy 5:10, the widow to be enrolled was one who had shown hospitality. According to Romans 12:13, it is the responsibility of all Christians to "Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality."

   The home of Gaius was one where a Christian traveler could get a good night's rest in a friendly atmosphere.

We need to take a little closer look at verse 6, - the phrase that says, "You will do well to send them on their way." If you read that phrase in isolation from the context, you might think he's saying, "It's a good thing to get rid of these visitors as soon as you can," but that's not it at all. "You will do well" is the equivalent of "please." "Send them on their way" does not mean, "I'll be glad when you're gone." It means to assist them on their journey.

My father came to visit us during the second year of our marriage and never visited in our home again. His excuse was that he had to travel through too many large cities to get to my home and he wasn't going to put his life in danger in any town bigger than Abilene, Texas. However when we lived a long way off, we would often go to visit at his home. Quite often, just before leaving, he would put some money in my pocket and say, "I can't come see you, but I want to help with the gas on the trip home." That's what "send them on their way" means. It would include anything they needed for their journey, food, clothing, taking care of their dirty laundry or mending anything that was torn.

We don't have the exact same set of circumstances in our world today, but that does not lessen the need of Christian hospitality. We live in a world in which people tend to be self-sufficient. We admire the spirit of independence and we often say things like "I don't want to be a bother to anybody." That's fine, but we do have a strong need for friendship. After all it was friendship that fueled the relationship between John and Gaius. In his book, The Friendship Factor, Alan Loy McGinnis said, ". . . friendship is the springboard to every other love." He also said, "People with no friends usually have a diminished capacity for sustaining any kind of love." Most of us have social acquaintances, but how many of us have deep, caring friendships? It has been sociologically demonstrated that lonely people live shorter lives than the general population.

Hospitality is a door to friendship. From time to time, it may be still be providing a roof over the head of a weary traveler. Maybe it will be inviting someone to your house for dinner. Maybe it's just two of you getting together at a restaurant. I'm not dogmatic about how you practice it, but the principle that is advocated here is essential, not only to the productive lives of people, but it is a necessary component of the Christian life.

The second character in John's letter is Diotrephes. In verse 9, Diotrephes is described as "one who loves to be first." His behavior pattern was poor, but his behavior was actually an expression (or more precisely multiple expressions) of his attitude. Diotrephes was self-centered and self-promoting. His desire "to be first" or as the older versions say his desire to have "preeminence" drove his agenda. His approach to Christianity was 180 degrees away from the lessons that Jesus taught. When the mother of James and John asked that her sons might occupy honored positions in the kingdom, Jesus said,

You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave- Matthew 20:25-27.

We don't know if Diotrephes was an elder, a preacher or what, but we do know that he ran the church. It's not hard to understand why he would have nothing to do with John. John represented a threat to his ability to control the church. And that, to him, was unthinkable. In his warped way of thinking, his sense of worth and importance was defined by his ability to control the church. He probably even rationalized himself into thinking he was doing the right thing, that he was a staunch defender of truth, that the church needed someone with a strong hand like his. Whatever his rationale, his attitude displayed itself in the following behaviors.

• He refused to have anything to do with John.
• He gossiped maliciously about John and his associates. That means he said evil, wicked things about John. If you want to get an idea what that's like, watch the negative political commercials just prior to election time.
• He practiced guilt by association. "He refuses to welcome the brothers. He also stops those who want to do so and puts them out of the church" (10). He wasn't satisfied to vent his spleen against John, he removed anyone who liked John from the fellowship of the church.

Sometime ago, I was in a meeting with a group of Christian brothers. At one point in our conversation, I was asked what I thought of a certain brother's writings. I answered somewhat cautiously saying that I didn't agree with everything he writes, but that he challenges my thinking and that I consider him a friend. That was the wrong thing to say. The tone of the meeting changed considerably at that point and it was terminated about ten minutes later. I had the feeling that I was judged guilty by who I liked and didn't like.

Diotrephes is an easy target. It's not hard to dislike him. I've never known anyone who would defend him, but it's much harder to recognize the fact that there is some of Diotrephes in us. In fact, we are downright touchy about any suggestion that we might have some of the spirit of Diotrephes. H. E. Robertson, a Baptist scholar, wrote an article about Diotrephes in a Baptist paper. Twenty-five Baptist deacons canceled their subscription to the paper. They all felt personally attacked. The truth is the desire of Diotrephes to be first hits closer to home than most of us realize. Satan knows that many of us struggle to control self-will and if we do not regularly and prayerfully check our motivations and our attitudes we could fall prey to the spirit of Diotrephes without realizing it.

How do you handle somebody like Diotrephes? Notice that John did not recommend the withdrawal of fellowship. It would have been hard to make it stick anyway, because Diotrephes had already beaten John to the punch. An announcement of withdrawal would have been nothing more than drawing a line in the sand and trying to out shout your opponent while an unbelieving world looks on and shakes it's head and points an accusing finger at Christians who don't know how to get along with one another.

John's advice deals with role models. Don't choose Diotrephes for your role model. He says in verse 11, "do not imitate what is evil, but what is good." Choose your role model carefully. Was there an acceptable role model in the church?

As a matter of fact, there was. His name was Demetrius.

Demetrius is well spoken of by everyone-and even by the truth itself. We also speak well of him, and you know that our testimony is true.

When you're dealing with a Diotrephes, the tendency is to overreact and become suspicious of everybody. You think everybody's got an angle. Don't trust anybody, or you're going to get hurt, but John didn't want Gaius to look at people that way. He didn't want him to become the kind of person who is always looking for bad things and he could quickly point to another brother, known to both of them. Like Gaius, his reputation was based on truth and that was good.

Church trouble is never desirable. Church trouble centered on personality conflicts is unfortunate and we could wish that it would never happen, but experience suggests that it does. What would be your estimate of the church where Gaius worshipped? Would we just write it off as a church unworthy of our support? Would you hesitate to tell one of your friends to place membership there? I could understand your hesitation, but John saw some good things in the church that wouldn't even let him inside the door. He saw Gaius and he saw Demetrius. Instead of writing them off, he wrote to them some words of encouragement to help them deal with a difficult situation.

Norman Bales
Southern Hills Church of Christ
Norman's e-mail address: nlbales@allaboutfamilies.org